Monday, June 7, 2010

Mindful Monday

Calm Budha in the mist of artistic chaos.

As I ready myself for my mother in laws funeral I am slowly taking my time. Being very mindful of this morning. Of what it means to me & my husband our marriage & his family.

We don't live together my husband & I, we never have. Our entire marriage we were separate but on our fourth anniversary I made it official and no longer allowed him to stay over. I cited being apart not having a home together & not being part of his family as my reasons. I did not have a relationship with his mother Mary Capo. He asked me never to contact his family without his permission so I never did I thought I was honoring his wishes and being a good wife. It took me 4years to realize that by doing that I was not being a good wife. It hurt me which in part hurt my marriage and caused me to hurt my husband. Its funny the things you pick and choose to do in order to think you are being a good wife. I was not nice to him most of the time I was very frustrated but I would go through periods of happiness & clarity and be okay with our life but most of the time I wasnt. We had a very
unusual marriage we thought we made our own rules but I realize that as you can do that the tradtional rules also apply & we yearn for those traditions even as we try to break them. During this time I discovered my passions photography, golf, yoga, medition, art, roadtrips, hiking, camping, nature. Many people thought I discovered them with his support all of these came as distractions for me so I wouldn't get upset or angry at him because we were not together we did not share a life. My accomplishments and hobbies were always mine alone and most even the ones he enjoyed he never participated in them with me. So today I will don my black dress my wedding rings & drive to the church and standby my husband as his wife for all my mother inlaws friends and family to see some for the 1st time and the last time and say yes she was a great lady & I was happy to know her. I will smile and be
supportive and realize that I am done and I will never compromise myself to appease another person even a husband ever again. I was always very vocal in my marriage but it was never heard. A person cannot be in a relationship with someone who cannot hear them. Mindfully building a new chapter in my life a calm budha & artistic chaos.

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