Thursday, June 10, 2010

Day 2 of 215800

Day 2 215800,

I’m still, a day behind and I don’t think I will catch up. Its okay its still part of the community and I even got an email and some more twitter followers. I think I can get into this stuff. Workshops, craft classes, photography dates and blogging reaching out to a community that wants to share joy happiness and success. There are many things out there and I’m glad this is the type I have found. I want positiveness to surround myself in joy, happiness and positive feelings. To be creative and fulfilled a life being lived to it’s fullest.

2 years ago I discovered my passion. It was something I had stopped doing about 20years ago because of fear. I was afraid I would never be good enough and I couldn’t compete w/other real photographers so I stopped taking pictures and let life get in the way. Instead I focused on filling the void w/food, men, shopping and wanting. I was never satistfied how could I be when I was denying who I was and what I loved and wanted. I had squelched my passion because I was afraid. Seriously I was never going to be a professional photographer/artist. I wasn’t Annie Lebowitz. Vogue and National Geographic weren’t going to hire me. I didn’t even apply to the art institute. I became a travel agent which I hated the job but I sure did love to travel. True that was another passion for me but not the same as I denied the main one and have hardly any photos of my travels in my 15years of traveling. I wanted to be a travel photographer any kind of photographer. I wanted to travel, photograph and write about it photo journalist. Always be gone. Not home working a corporate job even though it was travel it wasn’t fun travel it was corporate travel boring. Desperate for a boyfriend but no idea that desperation wasn’t attractive. Myh girlfriends in my early 20s were few. I was anti-social except on a trip. I spent every dime I had on either a trip which was good for me because that was the authentic me or on shopping clothes and shoes which yes it was a girlish pursuit but in my case it was to hide and camoflage the real me.  I shopped so much I got into very bad credit card debt, which took years to escape out of. I thought if I was cute enough thin enough liked what boys liked I could get a boyfriend. That was not true, I just got laid a lot, which in the long run was not good it just becomes slutty and that brings a whole other list of issues. Its like the more I denied my passion, my authentic self, the more problems I created in my life. I was living a life of lies only I didn’t realize it because, I was believing the lie. That I wasn’t good enough, it was a lie, a bold face LIE!!

Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten hired as a National Geographic or Vogue or photojournalist but without ever trying I would never know. Aimlessly living without any knowledge that I had control of my life or that I could make things happen that I had control. Don’t get me wrong I had some great times great moments but when the clouds parted and the angels sang. It all came clear. That I was incharge and I was good enough and I could make it happen. Happen it did I wanted to change things, some situations in my friends lives caused me to think, “things have got to change” I discovered podcasts about positive thinking I bought A New Earth and The Secret and started journalling again. In one day at work making a list of things that I liked to do. Trying to discover a way to not work a regular job and I wrote 2 words together southwest photography and that was it. I started crying and I just said thank you. I knew I had found it after all these years. I also knew I was denying my true self, happiness and joy.  I found my 20 plus year old camera bought film and planned a trip and had the time of my life. I didn’t feel the urge to shop for clothes over eat or spend and I was nice to my husband.  Its like everything fell into place. The more I photographed the happier I was and the more things I accomplished. I wrote out a list of goals that I wanted to achieve and many came to pass. I show work at a gallery my photos have been published in 2 blogs and I won 2 ribbons. It is amazing what has happened and even more amazing what will happen. I have only just begun.

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